Chris Schlock


Chris Schlock was born on March 13, 1975 in a log cabin in the woods.

There was a bad winter that year and the snow hadn’t quite melted yet, but the Schlock family had each other and lots of cans of pickled beets in the cellar. Mama and Papa Schlock lived on a beet farm about dozen miles outside the Schlockville city limits, and so Mama Schlock would can any beets that Papa Schlock would have killed and brought home.

After the ice thawed they found Grandpa Schlock who had gone missing earlier that winter. He was stuck to metal toilet seat from one of those outhouses in the state park not far from the cabin. It was a very cold winter.

As Chris Schlock grew up he became a huge fan of “New Wave” music and had tried on numerous occasions to make a band that played nothing but “Orange Juice” and “The Alarm” covers.

The first time Chris Schlock became World Famous it was when he invented a bracelet that wrapped around a person’s wrist. After many visits to Good Morning America, and the Tonight Show the hype was incredible, and the pre-orders came flooding in. The only issue was, that Chris couldn’t find enough baby pythons which was the key component in the bracelet. He felt ashamed and when he was at rock bottom he was found and nursed back to health by his good friend Stuart Anders. Who coincidentally later had a similar idea but instead of using snakes, he would use strips of spring steel. Like what razor blades are made from.  Brilliant man!

The Second time he became world famous when he became the first person under the age of 16 to flip 100 perfect pancakes. He spent the next few years of his life touring the nations Waffle houses and IHOPs living the rock-star lifestyle.

He later enrolled in a culinary school called “Le Cordon Bleu” where he dropped out the first year when a particularly evil chef would walk around the classroom with a ruler that was cut into about a four-inch length. She would walk around and measure your diced vegetables and claim tick off points when your dice was not ¼ of an inch by ¼ of an inch cube. Chris screamed “F***k You! I am cooking rustic!”, then afterwards he packed up his Wusthof knife set and bounced.

 Years
later he started a food truck called “Good Gravy” which sold
various mashed potato and gravy dishes. Needless to say it was a
great success and currently has a fleet of food trucks that devote
their menu to local fare like “Routine Poutine” That makes the
same Canadian dish and serves them at the exact same place and time
every day!

Years
later he was asked to be a part of the greatest podcast ever
recorded, “The Schlockville Horror Podcast!” Where he knows his
fans will appreciate the humor, the guests, the schlock movies, and
everything else that is put out.

The future is but a rose and
Chris has plenty of fertilizer to spread over everything he
sees.

Join us for a wonderful time, and never be ashamed to
love the sound of old crumpling paper!